I must say, I have been thinking about writing a series of motherhood posts recently but almost have been stuck at where to start. I find talking about motherhood quite a difficult thing, mainly because I forget people don't parent like me and also, I often presume people know what I know with regards to childhood studies (my degree) and say things and then find people don't realise or think in the same terms. But what I have found is motherhood is a journey, and seeing other women on the same path makes me recognise the similarities of our end goal. We are all striving for healthy, happy children who have a life full of opportunities and experiences that make them good human beings. We all have this goal but we also all have very different paths to get them there. I am not here to judge, I am here to tell you about my experience of motherhood, what I do and how I feel because this journey isn't about the children, it's about me, my hard work, my thoughts, my imaginings and my wants for them that makes me their mother.
This whole way of thinking has been prompted quite recently by a few things. One in particular was the task of deciding on something to have placed on this M E R C I M A M A N necklace. As part of their beautiful M O T H E R ' S D A Y campaign, I was asked to pick out something and have it engraved and this little task honestly threw me into a tizzy. What a silly thing to question. Obviously this was a task to celebrate motherhood but in my mind I felt totally unworthy of such a prize. But I fear this is not something I would be alone in. This week in particular we had a very poorly Raph and having kept him off school on Monday, sent him back on Tuesday, suggestions were made that he was too poorly (he has a cold) so we kept him off again on Wednesday and this really began to eat at me. "You're a terrible mother, Emily, imagine sending a poorly child to school" was pretty much going round in my head and it brought me right down. Every shout, every annoyance at the usual family happenings then seemed elevated and I had even more thoughts of failing. Then having to decide what beautiful etching to have on a necklace to wear with pride was very difficult.
It took some sunshine and seeing Raphael playing happily to make me realise that this really doesn't matter. Of all the things going on in school do I really think his teachers are spending their break time coffee complainng about me (they are way too kind for that)? GET OVER YOUR SELF!
It was then the arrival of the necklace that then made me realise that I am always going to have these thoughts of self doubt but I am in fact a 'Mama' and that is a label worth having even if I don't feel like a good one some of the time.
Motherhood is a tough one but I hope to share more of my musings on it to allow even just one person to not worry about the job they are doing, to embrace it and enjoy it even though it is hard and can take you far away from the person you once were; it's OK. Motherhood changes you but becoming a mama is one job that I am pleased I got the medal for, it is just who I am.
Emily xx
*Post In collaboration with Merci Maman
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