I hate it. Failing. I know when I have done it as well and it truly eats at me. The fact that I have not achieved definitely doesn't sit well and I quickly spiral into thinking I am the worst person in the world.
Pulling up to school on Friday my heart fell out my chest as I saw kids in the playground playing in their own clothes. SHIT. I didn't say it out loud but in my head it was flashing up in bright lights. "Raph, it's home clothes day," I exclaimed. He instantly burst into tears. It surprised me how quickly he did but I think he knew and had forgotten to say and he felt like he had failed as equally as me. So sat in the car with a crying child I suggested he go in, I drive home and come back with clothes. He didn't want to leave the car, I couldn't blame him. I jumped out ran into school and told one of the teachers we would be half an hour as we were going back home to change.
That journey back into town was my time to be silent. I comforted Raph, he was relieved once I said we were going home to change, but I couldn't shake off that cloud. That one that comes down when you truly fail. I don't know why I took it so hard. The problem was solvable. Friday morning is assembly so he wasn't going to miss any teaching but it was there, this force, crushing me and making me call myself names. I really hate it. My character is not one to accept defeat but when it comes to trying to do right by the kids, I really hate it when I get it so wrong.
After changing (and getting evidence in photo form of a happy child) and heading back out of the city I was trying to calm myself down, we were heading back to school, it was only just 9.30 and we had missed hardly anything but I was still livid at myself for not taking more notice of what date it was and what needed to be done. Slipping into the back of assembly after Raph had got back in I felt like a naughty school girl, that feeling all eyes on you, all these parents knowing what you have done, knowing you have failed, After assembly finished and I waved off a much happier child who was fully ready for a good day's learning I got out and relayed my morning to a friend. Her reply was one that changed my whole outlook, "I can't believe it Emily, I never thought you would do something like that; that makes me feel so much better about myself." HAHA. We are all the same really, always just trying to be the best we can, and here I am, at my shittest point, I can still make others feel better, and in a good way. Parenting is not a competition, it is not about checking up and ticking boxes against each other. It is about how you can make things better, how you can truly care for your child, and as I looked back into the classroom window to see Raph still waving out in his jeans and shirt I realised that I had saved the day, to him I had been a hero and not a failure and it was only my high standards that had failed me.
Emily
Well done you, and extra pat on the back for turning round and going home to change - not sure I would have done that! I think most mums will be right with you there with tea and sympathy, for we all fail at times. But for me it's not about the actual failure but its what you do to make amends, I've failed at many things in my life but I've also learned the most valuable lessons through failure. My response to 'failure' is this. IT'S OK. Saying sorry for making a mistake, feeling bad enough to turn the car round, feeling bad and letting your children know means that you CARE so much about them. Yes we are all super heroes in the eyes of our children when we go the extra mile for them and do something that will stay in their memories. Today you made a memory - you will always talk about 'that day when silly Mummy forgot that it was non-uniform day and we had to go all the way home'. I'll bet you'll be laughing about it one day and those children will never let you forget, but in a good way because that was the day mummy almost lost it, but became a super hero in the process. Sorry to waffle, I'm just glad its not always me that does things like that!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for taking the time to write this message. It really means a lot! I am always learning but I mostly need to learn not ot be too hard on myself. Practice makes perfect though and thus lesson has sure started that process. Thank you again, Emily xx
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